I really wish I had more time to make quality posts with thinspo and stuff, but I've been caught up in other things lately...Honestly, the past couple of posts have been venting posts because this is my only private journal that nobody I know knows about.  I'm sorry for the lack of thinspo.

OUTSIDE

I was fine with my weight, but ever since I saw the Victoria Secret Fashion Show...I feel so incredibly fat.  And the thing is, I think I don't care so much about "size" anymore because I went shopping the other day and a size two looked kind of huge--which I'm happy being.  I need to focus on getting TONED, and getting my proportions just right, not necessarily getting "smaller".

Inside

I use to be very confident...I looked people in the face when I spoke to them, and I wasn't scared to approach people.  And I didn't nit pick at my personality the way I do...

I feel like within the last months, my "friends" and boyfriend constantly mock and make fun of me...and gang up on me sometimes.  I guess friends rank on each other, and when it became a consistent thing, I was a good sport and laughed it off...Then, I would get annoyed and tell them to shut the fuck up, or sarcastically laugh, or say something back. Now...I just ignore it because it happens all the time.  I don't think it's funny anymore. With all honesty, it makes me feel very alone because it makes me WANT to be alone. They enjoy watching me get annoyed.  Which makes me feel like I must be annoying, for them to want to ALWAYS be annoying me for their amusement.

They always say I'm an "easy target"...I don't want them to see that that hurts...Why am I an easy target? Cause I'm stupid? Cause I walk funny?  Cause I don't have the same sense of humor?  Cause I'm whiney? Cause I look awkward? What is it, you know? I can't figure out WHY it's such an amusement to PICK on ME as OFTEN and as consistently as they do.

I'm crying a little bit as I wrote this because I don't feel comfortable being MYSELF anymore...around anyone.  I feel alone.  I liked who I use to be, and I feel like when I try to just be myself, I'm judged.

And I can't help but feel like it's my boyfriend.  He doesn't make me feel good about myself like he used to.  When my friends make fun of me about something, I desperately wish he'd defend me, but instead he makes some other stupid remark most of the time.  I don't even want to kiss him because I feel like my breathe sucks or something. I don't even like having sex with him anymore because I feel like I'm just bad at it or something.  I love him, but sometimes it feels like if I distanced myself from everyone, I could seek new people and find someone I'm comfortable being again.  I don't feel like anyone I know shares my interests, or cares enough to get to understand me.  I feel like I'm in middle school again...I feel like I don't fit in anywhere.  What a stupid thing to feel.

So...I weighed myself the other day after not weighing myself in over a month...I lost like three pounds...I don't FEEL any skinnier...my boyfriend said I probably "lost muscle mass"...but today he was looking at me and he was like, "BABE! You're so skinny! I can see your scapula, and (he started naming all these bones we learned about in Anatomy class"...So...I think it's really weird.  I haven't been dieting or anything...

Maybe it's true what they say...naturally skinny people are naturally skinny because they don't and obsess over food.

So my friend had this theory that all these girls are ugly in real life, and they just take really good pictures.  LOL.  It's possible.

I hope I get comments...I'm in the mood for intellectual conversation. (No obligations) :)

Do you ever get that feeling like you don't really know yourself anymore?

I mean...it's not really good or bad especially considering my life is pretty close to being perfectly balanced right now.  I just wish I knew exactly where I was going/what I was doing instead of just going with the flow. 

Psychological Balances --it's not really a real scientific term--When you do something wrong, and make excuses for what you did in order to make yourself feel better

So, once upon a time...I blamed this girl of not having this disease she claimed she had--which I'm about 90 percent sure she didn't have just because her stories didn't really add up, and she was kind of a liar and overly dramatic in many ways.  However, there were many things I liked about her and she could be a really sweet person.  Chances are, we will never be friends again...and frankly I don't really want to be friends with her.  I just don't think there's anything we could ever really say to each other again.  But the thing is...this whole ordeal tore our group in half.  (Note: She was never really a part of it...more like a sub-member)  And it was such a perfect, chill group...we never had drama.  After I did that, it tore us apart.  Some people that were once really close to me took her side because I didn't have any "concrete proof"...(even though it was obvious to EVERYONE)...

But sometimes I wonder...was I wrong?  You know what I mean?  Cause it just feels that for some of my really close friends to have dipped, I have to have been "wrong".

Fuck...so...my period is LATE.  Last month I got my period a couple of hours before my mom did...and my mom got hers last night.  FUCKING GREAT.  I need to start tracking my period...cause I freakin' hate having these damn scares...I also have to freakin' start taking a birth control again soon so I can stop worrying.  The last brand I tried made me PHAT.  And Yazmin made me all skinny and depressed...and I never wanted to have sex.  Not really any point in taking birth control if I didn't wanna have sex anyway.

FUCK...they have dollar pregnancy tests at Dollar Tree. LOL! I just don't wanna buy a stupid ten dollar one, cause I've done that like three times already and I ALWAYS get my stupid period the next day.  Does anyone know if they're any good?

I'm so scurred. =/

Btw...for all you hardcore Ana girls...not to be discouraging...but this can happen to you if you get too skinny. So just don't. :) (I know there were drugs involved and what not...but you gotta admit, she'd probably look better with a couple pounds on her + new hair)

Within the next two weeks...I have a math test, anatomy test, anatomy lab quiz and a practicum. And I start my Human Growth and Development class the 24th. FUHHHHHHHHHHHH.  That leaves approximately no time for the gym until like...December. I'm so serious. -__-

I decided I'm gonna double major in theatre and nursing.  Why? Because I wanna kill myself. And because nursing schools are effing hard to get into...so while I'm on the one-two year waiting list...I can work on major number two instead of eating shit for a year or two.

My schedule next semester consists of an 8 week math class (JOY!) followed by an 8 week independent studies social environment class.  Human Anatomy and Physiology + LAB (JOY)...Nutrition (JOY -__-)...and Acting II....o.0...I guess that's not TOO bad.

Summer looks something like...Chemistry and Theatre Appreciation + Whatever else is freakin' offered for theatre. *SIGHS* WTF WTF WTF WTF.